Atheistic Eloquence

The Lord is my Shepherd

   I shall not want

   He makes me down to lie.

Then he destroys the world around -

 

  the place that I must die.

Wrist

Have you seen people curl when they talk about death?

Well that happens to me, but not as much as,

   that wrist on each arm, that half pound of flesh,

   that temptation of suicide, of fast pain relief.

A steel knife could end all in a minute.

And, as I’m writing this it’s making me cringe,

   it’s making me tight,

   it’s making me taught,

   it’s making my arteries swell beyond thought.

And, for my own sake, for my own health,

   I’ll stop writing now.

I’ll stop writing now.

I’ll stop writing now, it makes me confused.

 

I’ll stop writing now.

Kiss Me

 

Why does my hand fit the curve of your waist so?

 

Why does my hand cup your breasts with such fondness?

 

Why does my hand stroke your thigh with craving?

 

Because I love you.

 

Why do my lips kiss your neck with such tenderness?

 

Why do my lips caress your back with such longing?

 

Why do my lips embrace your body with immense adoration?

 

Because I love you.

 

Why do we embrace with such conviction?

 

Why do we enfold with such fervour?

 

Why do we hug with such passion?

 

Because we love.

 

Kiss me.

Sweet Rose

My sweet Rose

Mon cherie

Did you want to kiss me?

Did you want me to leave?

 

Your place

Your home

I didn’t mean to leave my heart

where I should only leave my money

 

You take me

You fuck me

You leave me

to decompose

 

Whilst I pay:

You’ll always be mine

Your thoughts are mine

Your body is mine

Your soul is mine

 

And when I’m gone:

My feelings remain

My love grows stronger

My heart beats faster

for my beautiful whore


 

Help Me Please

I know that what I’m doing is wrong but I just can’t help myself.

Jesus, bless me, I’m about to sin, and, drown in her bodies wealth.

 

I know that I shouldn’t do these things but I can’t control my whims.

I’ve never been a religious man, but now I’m counting my sins.

 

Time can only tell when I can face up to the world,

and the chauvinist inside me will be out once and for all,

and the times I’ve acted in ill health are rubbed clean from my past.

These are the times I can live free without aspersions cast.

 

I know what I am doing to her but she’s led me for so long,

And if she keeps on pushing me, to her whimsies I’ll belong.

 

I know that what I’m doing is wrong, but I must succumb to lust.

The sexist housed inside of me must keep this image robust.

 

Jesus Christ you’ve got to help me please,

   even though in God I have never believed.


 

Sarah-Jayne (Aftermath)

As if in my arms

  your head on my breast

A lifetime away

  then together again

Could your heart resume beating?

Will you breathe once again?

 

A lifetime together, never to part

I will never again feel the beat of your heart

I look to your eyes to search for some light

I know you can see me, I know you have life

 

Must I take my own life to touch you again?

To re-join my true love must I vacate this plane?

I must hold your torch high, though I long to be one

I cannot, I will not, believe you are gone.


 

Sarah-Jayne (Second Coming)

Lent to Earth as an Angel to touch upon my life

Then onto new horizons (but always by my side)

I often said that people never fell truly in love

But, how I was mistaken – oh, give me strength my Lord above

 

My Sarah-Jayne, I’m void without you

I know you feel the same

Whilst you bless your fellow Angels

I will forever praise your name

 

I stand beside your headstone and look upon your grave

I know I have to let you go, but, hold the euphoria you gave

The countless times I’ve asked myself – tears welled within my eyes

Good things they must always end, and sometimes even Angels die.


 

Sarah-Jayne

Sarah-Jayne,

oh how I miss you,

I love you now like I always did.

Sarah-Jayne,

I long to kiss you,

how I wish that you had lived.

I will never fully understand why you had to take your life

We were promising together; you were going to be my wife

Now, whatever made you leave this world, you’ve finally left behind

And the memories I have of you are mine and only mine.

 

 

Sarah-Jayne,

I trust that you’re at one,

that you will now be blessed.

Sarah-Jayne,

We’d only just begun -

we could have taken on the rest.

I’m sure the reasons that you had are justified beyond recourse

And the only things I can’t accept are my feelings of remorse

Though you’re sure to be content that what you feared is gone for good

I will never feel the same till I’m with you again, my love.

 

 

Gone

I grip your throat

Hold the cold steel to your skull

See life pulsing on your temple

Beads of sweat on your forehead

My finger twitching on the trigger

I salivate

Sweat on my palms

My heart beats fast, faster, so fast

My throat pounds

My finger twitches

Your pupils dilate

You shudder in terror

I tighten my grip

Put this weapon in your mouth

You wince

You squeal

My finger twitching (pull the trigger)

Motionless

You fall

 

Gone

Scar

 

One.  

The razor teases my skin.

Two.  

Clenched fist, blade edge down.

Three. 

I move, through skin, flesh.

Four.  

Blood seeps.

Five. 

I cut, slice, score, affect.

Six.  

Relax and start again.

 

This scar is for Julie.

This scar is for Sue.

This scar is for Sandra.

This scar is for Maria.

This scar is for Karen.

This scar is for Lynn.

These scars for my selfishness.

 

My engravings.

My disfigurements.

My incisions healed

(but mentally scarred?)

 

My pockmarks.

My mutilation.

My self harm.
 

My business!

Mule

I sit here alone

 

Alone, here I sit

 

The silent phone

My impenetrable wit

My insufferable muse

My existence forlorn

I long to abuse

  my despicable form

This stubborn old mule

  has nothing to give

This wretched sad fool

  has no reason to live

The New Year Eve time

  crawls beyond midnight

My paranoia benign

  never gives up the fight

Alone, here I sit

I remain here alone

To misery I commit

 

In life’s game, a pawn.

Goodnight Vienna

 

It's barely 15 minutes since I found his body there

Slouching on the settee with a vomit induced stare

An empty prescription bottle sticking to his clammy hand

and half a dozen tablets scattered round like grains of sand

A crisp manila envelope sealed with little haste

'To Whom It May Concern' inscribed upon its face

As I stooped to pick it up I swear he smiled at me

I knew, at last, he'd arrived upon the place he yearned to be

 

 

The letter read:

'If you've found this note you're too late to say goodbye

If you're reading this then I've already left your life

If you're stood there wondering why I've done what I have done

the answer is life and all it brings, and, what I've left undone

Please pass on all my love to the girl I love the most

Tell her I'll watch over her with Father, Son and Holy Ghost

And one more thing - before you think that you can save my life

is that everything I have I leave to the boys and my humbled wife'

 

 

Now as I look down on his form I know I will not cry

I will not wince, I will feel no pain, I will not question why

I will instead be happy that he is at peace at last

That his troubles and his worries are now all in the past

He often told me that he felt he was destined for greater things

that the life he had was difficult with all the hurt it brings

and I know now what he meant when said under his breathe -

"Media vita in morte sumus”  (in the middle of life we are in death)